Hey maggots, it’s been awhile! What better way to herald my glorious return than to go against all the things I’ve preached about in the past Creature Features! Let me explain myself before you start the hate mail, though. I’m not a filthy hypocrite by choice, you see. When the Writers’ Guild decided to do Lorwyn Week, I mulled laboriously over which of the eight tribes I’d focus on for this article. How could I give them all equal screen time? As masochistic as it sounds, I’d have had to write eight articles.

…And I tried, I really did! Unfortunately, my best wasn’t good enough, and this was the best I could do. Now I’m high and dry in hypocrite city.

Which brings us here. A Creature Feature on Goblins, Magic’s most obnoxiously over-pushed creature type. Did you know that Goblins have appeared in every plane in the Multiverse thus far? The annoying little buggers are everywhere.

Lucky for me, this is Lorwyn Week. I don’t need to cover the super boring and clichéd Goblins of Dominaria if I don’t want to, and trust me, I don’t. If you happen to be a fan of the Flaarg, the Skirk, the Mons, the Kyren, the Akki, the Mogg, or whatever else you found crawling under a Planeswalker’s bed, I have nothing for you.

This isn’t Creature Feature - Goblins. I lied. This is Creature Feature - Boggarts.

I Stole This Segment

Boggarts are slimy little pains in the neck that really don’t fill any particular role in Lorwyn. They’re too dumb to be really malevolent, so they’re really more pests than villains. If there’s one thing that Boggarts are good at, though, it’s stealing stuff. I mean that almost literally, by the way. Rather than steal objects of value, these little guys covet quantity over quality. Boggart hovels are filled with dead animals, strange looking rocks, broken broomsticks, one of Brigid’s old corsets (that is one busty Halfling, but more on that Wednesday), a goat, a few bricks, their next door neighbor’s finger, a used handkerchief, and so on and so forth ad infinitum. If the Elves of Lorwyn represent pride, the Boggarts are paragons of greed. Boggarts also love to pull poorly thought out pranks, which is usually how they end up wearing each other’s fingers.

Boggart villages are led by Aunties, which aren’t really anyone’s aunts. Typically the best way to become an Auntie is to stay alive long enough to outlast your generation. This usually doesn’t take very long.

Wizards planned on making the Boggarts interesting by moving them from Red to Black. However, their short attention spans, their obsession with trivial objects, and their insatiable eternal boredom seems to keep them in Red, color pie-wise, to me. Prove me wrong, but I’m calling their color assignment a miss.

Like all of Lorwyn’s races, Boggarts began their life in English folktales. Like J. K. Rowling before them, Wizards took a great amount of liberty in designing the Boggarts of Lorwyn. The Boggarts of Britain were weak but malevolent ghosts that would typically haunt a family lineage, pulling irritating pranks on them through the generations. Boggart pastimes included stealing farm crops, pulling on people’s ears, and hiding in your bed.

They also have a weakness to horseshoes. Hanging a horseshoe on your front door usually kept Boggarts at bay. I’d make a joke about how zany you limeys in the audience are, but around here we have a guy who rode around on a tornado.

WORT WORT WORT

Yeah, I just made a Halo joke. Can you blame me? If I see “FINISH THE FIGHT” or “BELIEVE” written on a piece of tangentially significant merchandise again, it’ll be too soon.

[Takes a sip from his ‘Arbiter Apricot’ flavored Slurpee]

But I digress; let’s talk about Wort.

Wort, Boggart Auntie isn’t anything all that new, really. We’ve already had Red creatures with fear (kind of; see Skirk Shaman). We’ve already had Black Goblins. And don’t get me started about Hill Giants. No, none of that makes Wort interesting. What makes Wort interesting is that she can fetch Goblin cards from your grave, not just Goblin creatures. I admit, it seems like a small difference.

This is where Tarfire comes in. Enjoy!

Honestly, you probably won’t need Wort to win here. There are plenty of cheap, fast Boggarts that this Weenie build should be far ahead by the time it hits four mana. Unlike other Aggro decks, though, if the race doesn’t sort out in your favor, you can chump block with Mudbutton all day long and win all sneaky like that.

Note: If you do actually win by chump blocking your opponent to death, you were probably playing against a Boggart yourself.

Final Thoughts

Let’s pretend for a minute or two that I didn’t hate Goblins with every fiber of my being. How would Boggarts stack up in a vacuum?

I still don’t like them. Among the entire lot, not one Boggart has a remotely interesting effect; a Goblin King variant, a bad reanimator in Warren Pilferers, and one of the worst of the “reveal or pay three” cycle. The best Wizards could come up with for Goblin Tribal cards were rehashes of Raise Dead, Shock, and a nerfed Goblin Grenade. Even without the baggage their race has carried over the years, Boggarts stack up as the lamest tribe in Lorwyn.

I like Facevaulter, though, I’ll admit it. He’s silly.

Why You Little…

It’s here where I have to drop you kids off. I’m sorry I haven’t been as active as I used to be, and I’m sure you guys have noticed it. I could only get one article complete in all these weeks of prep.

I’m still one of the MDV bloggers, though, so I’m improving, anyway. Besides, it’s not that I’ve been just slacking off, here. I’ve been working on my web comic during this “inactivity” (which is way more work than writing a Creature Feature, let me tell you!).

Enjoy the rest of Lorwyn week, even if it does have Goblins. Yuck.

~Tekkactus~

Tekkactus is an enigma of an author on Magic Deck Vortex. He rarely ever appears anymore, due to his being very busy working his fingers to the bone on his comic Sandgate. He hates everything and everyone, and that includes you.

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Articles Spotlights from 2007:
Lorwyn Theme Week Intro & Schedule of Events
Blink And Bounce: Timing is Key
Going Blind: XCB Metagaming - A Prolonged Conclusion.
The Science of Magic: Genetic Engineering, Part Two.
Shifting Lineaments: Casual Metagaming (Pt. 2).
The Dungeon Of Malefict: Pure Evil!
Combofusion: Legends Timeshifted.
Land Week Introduction & Schedule.
One Card to Rule Them All: Coastal Piracy
Irrational Love: Chimeras. The Lego's of Magic.