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I don't know about you, but I've about had it with combos this week. Three-card combos, two-card combos, Green and Red and Blue card combos. Sneaky combos, infinite combos, even some crazy Vanguard combos! And once you think we've covered them all, we've got Shuko combos, Sharing combos, arbitrarily large combos; Serum combos, Squirrel combos, and don't forget the Bacterial combos! And when it's all said and done, and the gooey mass of seemingly never-ending combos finally begins to congeal into this rank and festering thing that is Evil Combo Week (hailing those which are dedicated to making people hate you since 1993—God forbid any of you have friends after it all), I still feel it is missing something. It lacks completion, and who better than a Phyrexian to chime in during the absurdly evil week?!? Thing is, all the combos we've seen so far involve nothing but Magic cards... which is kind of the point, but come on, people! Think beyond the cards! So I got to thinking, and the first thing that came to my mind was one of the greatest movies ever: The Nightmare Before Christmas. Now that's a combo I can get behind! Christmas and Halloween becoming one—it's brilliant! Not to mention devilishly fun. Unfortunately, this train of thought eventually led right back to Magic cards, so there will really be nothing new here either... but what the hey, let's take it for a spin anyway; whaddya say? ***** When you think about it, "evil combo" is rather redundant. I mean, it's not like you play a combo to join hands with your opponents and prance gaily about the room singing that wretched purple dinosaur's theme song, "I love you, you love me, we're a hap-py fam-il-y!"... do you? No, of course not. (At least, I hope not.) You play a combo to KILL THEM! Slit their throats, gouge out their eyes, crush their skulls, and in the likely scenario your opponent is male, castrate them! (Well, that might be a wee bit excessive, but you get the idea.) And that is evil in itself, is it not? So how does one evilize something that's already evil? Learn from the master! ***** 'Twas a dark and stormy night, the nightmares of Barney and his mindless children minions poisoning our youth with happiness and song floating about the heads of a few poor souls (me being one, after writing this *shudders*). If only the Lord would show mercy and strike those souls free of the horror—the HORROR!—even if it meant catching them on fire or blowing them to bits—anything to free them of the pure and utter HORROR! But 'twas not to be so, for this was no ordinary dream. The Great Purple Blasphemer Himself had a message to send; one which was not strangling hugs or kisses of death entwined with false promises of love, but far, far worse. His message... ...was presents. "There will always be those who shun love," He spoke, "those who refuse the better ideals of living, some as a result of trauma, others simply for the sake of denying it. However, everyone likes presents. Everyone." The cold cruelty in His voice was enough to make one shudder, as if ice had been spilled down one's back when least expecting it—chilling and relentless. Yet His tone, however menacing, grew even worse on that last word, the emphasis darkening it with devilish intensity. He said no more, but the implications and images which followed made his point. The mindless children minions, which were up until this time holding hands and dancing a circle around the Demon, now broke off and scattered, laughing joyously, and brought back one present each, which they all gave to each other. The first child tore into his gift, which released a thick necrotic smoke that melted away his skin while he smiled and hollered at the wonderful surprise, the remnants of his eyes pouring down his gory skull. The second, a girl of only seven, carefully unwrapped her present, revealing an inconspicuous box. Slowly, anxiously, she lifted the lid... and a Jack-in-the-Box leaped out, grinning with malicious intent as it drew a rusty handsaw and took it to the little girl's neck, sawing back and forth, back and forth, cutting through muscle and tendon and bone with the dull teeth until the blade came out the other side and the girl's head rolled off and across the ground with a freakishly wide smile frozen on its face while the rest of the children clapped happily and Barney danced behind them. His eyes glowing bright red with blood dripping from his razor-sharp teeth, Barney bid the others to open their presents, remaining completely silent as they all happily met their various sickening demises... and all faded to black.
***** That's right, the master of all that is evil is none other than Barney, the purple dinosaur. Who did you think it would be? And I think he's onto something. Most Magic combos are based on either hurting your opponent a great deal or making yourself invulnerable to their efforts, both of which are evil in their own right. But if there was a way you could appear to help them, and then twist it around to do just the opposite, well, that's at least evil plus two. The simplest way to do this is to give your opponent a gift that'll bite 'em in the ass. Hm, evil gifts; why does that sound familiar...? Ah yes, "'Twas the Nightmare before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...." Why were they not stirring, I wonder? No matter, your opponent will soon share the same fate after you play them with this:
The star of this deck and ultimate card for all gift-giving purposes, Donate may be familiar to you from its previous excursions with Illusions of Grandeur. That particular combo is all well and good... er, evil... but I don't like it for a couple reasons: it has been done many a time, and sometimes 20 damage just isn't enough. This deck, however, really goes for the throat. "You lose the game." It doesn't get more direct than that, folks. The only thing better I could imagine is giving them a Lich!
It should play obviously enough. Draw, draw, draw, speed Forbidden Crypt into play and Donate it. The counterspells and Evacuations help keep you alive until you can pull it off. And there are, of course, certain intricacies that should be mentioned. The counterspells don't send spells to the graveyard (save Cryptic Command), and Evacuate doesn't outright kill creatures. This makes it harder for your opponent to survive the Crypt when they get it. Every card that can net you cards can also grant your opponent cards (again, save the Command), which can force a quicker kill from the Crypt, especially when they can't draw from their graveyard. Lastly, the deck is made of nothing but spells and lands. If for some reason you can't Donate the Crypt and are stuck with it yourself, you'll be able to use all the cards you already cast, which should keep you well until you find another Donate. Or you can bounce the Crypt with the Command. Finally, Jace is capable of winning you the game himself, if such a dire situation occurs. ***** Of course, Donate is not the only way to give away evil presents. Oh, no. With the rumors of an R&D member being a disciple of Barney—for why else would they create something like One With Nothing?—one can safely, and rightly, assume there are more such tricks as this. ***** The night was one seemingly without end, as nightmare after nightmare came to haunt their victims. This second began in the darkness left behind by the last as the children's gleeful laughter slowly died off, shifted and became a sort of mad cackling, sounding now quite human despite its inhuman menace. Then there came words: "Oh, just think how much hate mail I'll get for this one! I love hate mail! Maybe I will even write an article about that... kyuh-kuh-ha!" The being himself never appeared, but his work he so adored did. It was a Magic card, one which read:
"Maybe W is too little mana... yes... after all, it is the game. 2WW it is! Kyuh-kuh-ha! I see a cycle forming! And there are never enough cycles.... Maybe I will make this part of a cycle set! Oh, they'll really hate me for that one!" If you ever wondered what could possibly be worse than watching children joyfully lose their heads to a saw-wielding Jack-in-the-Box, there is no doubt about it now. Just imagining opening a booster pack, thumbing through to the rare at the back, and finding this... it's enough to keep you from buying Magic cards ever again, in fear of that chance occurrence. However, this servant of Barney did not want people to stop buying cards; he wanted them to buy more and more of his useless jank and try to find uses for it—that was what gave him his kicks. So for his next idea, he decided to take an already incredibly annoying mechanic and make it even worse. Things like this!
And this!
Ah, he could see them now! So many hapless souls would be poring over these cards day and night, desperately trying to find uses for their strange takes on cumulative upkeep—ones which were so easy to pay yet even more devastating in the end—but always to no avail. Always! He would make sure of that, he would. "Kyuh-kuh-ha!" ***** Yeesh, what a creepy guy. Well as you may have been able to guess, the latter two cards shown by this evil mastermind have been printed, with some changes (for the better):
One gives life to your opponent, and the other gives tokens. Neither of these things are evil presents alone, but anything can be made so with the right (or wrong) intentions. Now the War-Riders don't seem too difficult to take advantage of. One way is to use Night of Souls' Betrayal. Another is to simply render the tokens useless in one of numerous ways and cast something akin to Stronghold Discipline. However, what I have in mind is just the opposite!
Give them life! All the life they could ever want! Seeing how it'll be the last gift they ever get, might as well make it a good one, eh? While your opponent gains a ridiculous amount of life from the Walls and Congregates (plus some more from the Burnwillows), you can make sure you remain late into the game with Pulse of the Fields and, if necessary, Congregate on yourself, but you'll want to keep yourself at the minimal life needed to survive if you can help it. The reason being is the key card of the deck: Reverse the Sands; and it's costly, hence the Mana Flares. But once obtained, there are a few ways to finish the game. Brand can take back all the tokens you gave your opponent with the War-Riders and Forbidden Orchards, Storm Herd can give you a ton of flying Pegasi depending on how much life you gave your opponent throughout the game, and Energy Bolt can simply burn them to death (or in a pinch, be used for more life gain). To help out all of these conditions, Ethereal Champion can be used to pay all but one life before you make the trade. Life's not fair, why should you be? Until then, survival shouldn't be too difficult with all the life gaining going on, and the Beacon helps against mill. If the War-Riders or Walls get out of hand, or if you no longer want them around after exchanging life, Miren and High Market can get rid of them for you. Note: This may be very interesting in multiplayer. ***** Well kids, there just so happens to be many, many possibilities for giving your opponent evil presents, yet I fear I must soon go. If He catches me spilling His secrets, I might get turned into one of those mindless minions of His.... *shudders* But I do have one more gift for you, and this might just be the most evil of them all! ***** The servant's cackling was abruptly cut off when a banging came at his lair's door, far above the underground chamber he currently resided in. One, two, three times, then a fourth that sounded like the door being fiercely broken off its hinges. Quickly hiding his demonic plans, he escaped the chamber via a secret tunnel within a huge brick wall painting displaying his Master and God. Simultaneously pressing in the bricks on which were painted His eyes, they both flashed bright red and the picture shifted, revealing His true form; and unspeakable monstrosity with much of its head stretching open into a gaping maw lined with several layers of jagged spike-teeth. Tentacles spread out from it across the entire room, twisting through and over and between themselves as tiny razor jags and teeth-lined suction cups grew on each of them. The maw grew wider still, stretching from the floor nearly to the ceiling, becoming a tunnel. The disciple of this monster strode fearlessly through. It swallowed him whole just as the intruders came to his chamber's door and quickly broke it down, only to find a room devoid of their prey, with a hideous beast painted on all the walls—recognizable to all three as their primary target. The three of them entered and went through the servant's quickly stashed notes, finding his most recent plans. He had been here, and not long ago. But where had he disappeared to? As if in answer, the room came to life. The tentacles came free of the walls, the bricks crumbling to dust and revealing the earth behind it as the squirming grasping things transformed and became real. Dirt spilled to the floor as more and more of the tentacles broke free, swarming the intruders and cutting them off from the exit. There was no chance for escape, nor hope for survival... for any normal beings. These hunters were far from normal, and easily fended off the ugly purple things lined with razor teeth, slashing at them with poisoned weapons. This was not the real thing—not Barney—only a guard that resembled Him. Standing back-to-back-to-back, the monstrosity had no hope of defeating these intruders and their poison, and the tentacles quickly rotted away, turning to black goo that sizzled on the floor like acid. Only once did it get past the intruders' guard to rip off the arm of one of them, but it had three more with which to slice the squirming thing in four pieces. This messy job done, the three turned towards the mouth-gate, which hung mockingly open. Not one of them doubted it'd snap shut as soon as they got halfway through, and there would be no fooling it with those devilish eyes staring them down. Nor could they risk it shutting before they got through by blinding it. But they had prepared for this. One of them stepped forward with his arm extended and whispered an incantation. Purple tendrils of power extended from his fingers as he did so, like blood in water as they wove and stretched towards the gate. The tendrils skewered its eyes, turning the bright red into an even brighter purple for just a moment, and then they fell black. The mouth slackened, beginning to close, and the three intruders bolted through just before it did. Further down the corridor, the servant ran for his life. He was anything but oblivious to his followers and their capabilities. He knew who they were. One of them he recognized, and that made it all the worse. They would not tire, they would not give, and they certainly would not be felled by any of his traps. Nay, but they could be slowed down. And once he reached the light at the end, he would be free. Pausing only a moment to concentrate and mentally activate the traps behind him, he quickly continued on. "Kyuh-kuh-ha! Give it up, you monsters!" But they would never give, as the servant knew all too well. Not when the floor melted beneath their feet and sucked them in like quicksand, for they needed not to breathe and the pit was far from bottomless, nor when their surroundings disappeared and were replaced by a cloud-filled scenery with illusions beckoning them in every direction but the right one, for they knew their path; they could sense their prey, and needed not sight nor smell nor sound to catch it. The one known to them only as "MaRo," their secondary target, was leading them to Him, and they easily followed. These were the best killers in the multiverse, and nothing would stop them. These were— "Damned Phyrexians!" the disciple gasped, pushing himself to his limits while they drew ever nearer, not tiring a whit. He should have known that one was a sleeper. Would've, should've, could've. Didn't. They would be upon him all too soon; the light was still too far away. Too far away. He stopped. He could hear the scraping of their claws against the brick echoing down the infinitely long corridor, and realized his folly. Even if he did make it to the end, what then? These Phyrexians, they were everywhere, hiding beneath the flesh of others, posing as normal people—in this case, a close servant of his. They would find him, they would catch him, they would kill him. And his Master, too. Perhaps they already had, now that he showed them the way. Closer, now. Turning towards them, Barney's disciple could just make out their abominable features—extra pairs of arms that ended in sickle blades, bones grown outside of the skin, doubly long legs with triple joints, horns sprouting out of elbows and knees, dripping acid and leaving smoking black holes in the ground. As much of a demon as he thought he was, he was nothing compared to them. He fell to his knees, all hope drained. I am such a fool, he thought. Even if he did escape them, and even if his Master was still alive, he surely would not escape the wrath of Barney. Not for this treason. His evil card designing days had come to an end; and the hate mail too. How he would miss that, especially. One With Nothing had been his greatest achievement ever, and with the occasional good card thrown in to brag about, no one could complain too much. He was invincible... or so he foolishly thought. They were only a dozen feet away now. He could see their hate-filled eyes gleaming inhumanly from their skulls, their long claws twitching in anticipation for his blood, and the glistening oil dripping freely down the side of one of them, where it had apparently lost an arm from one of his traps. That was the only wound he could see on any of them, however. And they had not been slowed down a whit. He never stood a chance. Not a chance in the nine hells from which they came. They were upon him. *****
There are many, many combos in this beaut'; hell the entire thing is nothing but intertwining combos. Here are a few:
Most of them are interchangeable (waste not, want not; it's the Phyrexian way), so you should have no problem cooking up some evil, evil stuff. Mix and match to your liking. ***** I could go on all day with these, but—Gyah! There He is! Come to avenge the death of his disciple, no doubt! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
*Maleficent will not be held liable for any EPIC FAILURES that may occur in the playing of his untested decks. He will, however, take full credit for any and all EPIC WINS.
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Silent
Night. 
"Oh,
how pretty!
The
Last Noel. 
