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All was quiet in the recesses of MDV’s Writer’s Guild… too quiet. There should have been the sounds of writers and editors slaving away at their typewriters and computers! Where was everyone?

Streetz: “Where is everyone?”

Ryuzaki: “Not here, sir.”

Streetz: “Ryu! Don’t surprise me like that… have you seen Mal? I need his First Impressions article today!”

Ryu: “Last I saw he was out frolicking with his Oompa Loompas.”

Streetz: “…I really don’t know what to say to that.”

Ryu: “Look! He left a note.”

“Be back [in 10 minutes] (bracketed part crossed out) never. I have become One with The Laziness. If I should be needed, you can contact my assistant by the number below.

EMBRACE THE LAZINESS.

~Maleficent”

Streetz: “You owe me $20, Ryu.”

Ryu:: “Why?”

Streetz: “Mal finally lost it! You said he’d last another few months—”

Ryu: “Weeks.”

Streetz: “—whatever—”

Ryu: “And he still seems perfectly fine to me… kind of….”

Streetz: “Well anyway, I’m calling this number. We need that article.”

Ryu: “Isn’t that Mal’s number?”

Streetz: “…It is.”

Shaking his head, Streetz takes out his cell phone and dials the number for Mal’s assistant. They pick up immediately.

Assistant: “HELLO!”

Streetz was nearly deafened by the greeting and pulls the phone away from his ear, wincing. The voice sounded strangely like Maleficent’s….

Streetz: “Hi… is this Maleficent’s assistant?”

Assistant: “Yeaup it sure is! Why who else would it be? You called my number dintcha?” *hyuk*

Streetz: “Right… this is Streetz, from MDV’s Writer’s Guild. Mal isn’t around and we need an article by him today. Could you do it? It’s a First Impressions for Eventide, the U/R and B/G hybrids.”

Assistant: “Sure can do Mr. Streetz, I’ll have that up fer ya in a jiffy, I will!”

Streetz: “Great. Thanks for your help… um… what’s your name?”

Assistant: “Well ah don’t really know but people call me POOT!”

Streetz: “…Ok. Thank you, Poot.”

Poot: “Yer welcome, boss!”

Well ‘ello there, folks! POOT ‘ere! You can call me POOT! *hyuk*

Since ah did sutcha good jerb on them Morningtide cards a while back, Mally said ah could help ‘em again while he Braced the Lazies, whatever that is. So here ah am for Eventide! Huh, Morningtide, Eventide—they’re both tides! *hyuk*

Call the Skybreaker 5 U/R U/R
Sorcery (R)
Put a 5/5 blue and red Elemental creature token with flying into play.
Retrace (You may play this card from your graveyard by discarding a land card in addition to paying its other costs.)
It hears and answers every orison across Shadowmoor.

WHOA! That’s a big ‘un! S’longs you got lands in yer hand an‘ in play, you can end the game right quick with this! SHA-BANG!

Grade: B — Does cost a lot, though.

Clout of the Dominus U/R
Enchantment - Aura (C)
Enchant Creature
As long as enchanted creature is blue, it gets +1/+1 and has shroud.
As long as enchanted creature is red, it gets +1/+1 and has haste.

That’s purdy good ah spoze. Ooh, combo! Put it on a creature that’s Red and Blue!! And Mally always says Ah'm not smart, like the time ah ate a macaroni and cheese crayon. It wasn't that bad! Not so good as real mac 'n cheese, though.

Grade: A — If you put it on a Red and Blue one, anyways.

Crackleburr 1 U/R U/R
Creature - Elemental (R)
U/R U/R, T, Tap two untapped red creatures you control: Crackleburr deals 3 damage to target creature or player.
U/R U/R, Q, Untap two tapped blue creatures you control: Return target creature to its owner's hand.
2/2

There’s a lotta good combos in Eventide—this ‘un combos with itself! Sounds like fun! *hyuk hyuk* Gotta have more of ‘em Red an’ Blue critters. Eventide sure likes 'em! Then alls ya gotta do is keep tappin' an' untappin' the same critters over an' over, s'longs you can pay fer it. Why you could jus' 'bout win the game that way - and with one card!

Grade: B — Kinda costy, but powerful!

Crag Puca U/R U/R U/R
Creature - Shapeshifter (U)
U/R: Switch Crag Puca's power and toughness until end of turn.
2/4
"Be happy when you see a puca shaped like mischief. It's far better than one shaped like death." —Dindun of Kulrath Mine

Hey, a Shapeshifter! Ah bet Mally would like this one, he would! Well it’s OK, good fer attackin’ an’ blockin’ too; it’s almost like a 4/4 if you keep payin' fer it!

Grade: B

Dominus of Fealty U/R U/R U/R U/R U/R
Creature - Spirit Avatar (R)
Flying
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may gain control of target permanent until end of turn. If you do, untap it and it gains haste until end of turn.
4/4
"Nothing is truly your own. It is his, whether you know it or not." —The Seer's Parables

Any permanent? That’s cool! If you wanna be really mean you can sac ‘em when yer done, too! But ah wouldn’t do that. Might hurt someone’s feelings. Ah sure wouldn’t want them doin’ it to me! Treat others the way you wanna be treated, thas right, so if you don’t want nobody givin’ you wedgies you don’t be mean to them! I learned that in school! Din’t really work, though.

Grade: B — It’s good but y’know yer opponent ain’t gonna let it live! But you can always give it shroud with its Clout—and haste too!

Inside Out 1 U/R
Instant (C)
Switch target creature's power and toughness until end of turn.
Draw a card.
Seyden's temperament didn't take well to the puca's magic. Nor did his face.

Well ah dunno, it’s a lot like that Puca guy. Heh, Puca. That’s a silly word. Puuuccaaa. Puca-Puca! *hy-hyuk*

Anyhoo, ah don’t see it bein’ really good ‘cept against walls er somethin’ with a big difference, but hey! Drawin’ cards is good! That’s that “card ad-van-tage” stuff! Ah think. That one guy Amadeus, he gone did talk about all that stuff, but I din’t get a lot of it. He’s real smart, that Amadeus. Smarter than a dog lickin’ poop, that’s fer sure! Mally says I ain’t that smart, but I try!

Grade: D — Alotta times it won’t do a whole lot.

Mindwrack Liege - 3 U/R U/R U/R
Creature - Horror (R)
Other blue creatures you control get +1/+1.
Other red creatures you control get +1/+1.
U/R U/R U/R U/R: You may put a red or blue creature card from your hand into play.
4/4

All these Red an’ Blue critters must be some kinda theme! An’ with this one you can put any of ‘em in play for 4, and they get a boost! Whoo-y! He costs 6 ‘imself, prob’ly the best guy you can play with ‘em is another one—then they’d get really big! Really big like that donut outside Dunkin Donuts! That’s a big donut. Wish ah could take a bite outta that one! Mm-mm, cream-filled! Mah brother MOOT, he tried once but fell an’ hurt his arm real bad. Then he got in trouble wit the po-leece. I dunno why, he jus’ wanted the big donut!

Grade: C — Sure does cost a lot! If you got that much mana you prob’ly won’t need his ability.

Mirror Sheen - 1 U/R U/R
Enchantment (R)
1 U/R U/R: Copy target instant or sorcery spell that targets you. You may choose new targets for the copy.
Even treefolk witches steer clear of the unpredictable woods near Glen Elendra. Spells refract off the glamer-polished trees and the eyes of lurking pucas.

Hey, Mirari’s gotta buddy! A colorful one! I like colors. You can make lots and lotsa copies with this one too! I like copies too. The more the merrier! That’s what ma always said. Ma don’t say much no more, though. She went an’ kicked a bucket an’ now she’s flyin’ with angels. Dunno how all that happens when you kick a bucket. I kicked lotsa buckets an’ I ain’t never seen no angel or flew nowhere.

Grade: C — Not much you can copy, but you can copy Electrolyze a bunch if you hurt yerself a bit, then draw lotsa cards and damage lotsa things!

Noggle Bandit - 1 U/R U/R
Creature - Noggle Rogue (C)
Noggle Bandit can't be blocked except by creatures with defender.
2/2
Noggles believe that they were the first race ever to walk Shadowmoor. They don't "steal." They just take back what's rightfully theirs.

NOGGLES! LOL!

Grade: B — It’s like that Phantom guy! Good in Red.

Noggle Bridgebreaker - 2 U/R U/R
Creature - Noggle Rogue (C)
When Noggle Bridgebreaker comes into play, return a land you control to its owner's hand.
4/3
"It's always funny till someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious."

MORE NOGGLES! LOLOL!!!

Grade: C — Oooh ooh! Steal a land with the Dominus first!

Noggle Hedge-Mage - 2 U/R
Creature - Noggle Wizard (U)
When Noggle Hedge-mage comes into play, if you control two or more Islands, you may tap two target permanents.
When Noggle Hedge-mage comes into play, if you control two or more Mountains, you may have it deal 2 damage to target player.
2/2

I LOVE NOGGLES!!

Grade: B — It’s kinda good for lotsa things!

Noggle Ransacker - 2 U/R
Creature - Noggle Rogue (U)
When Noggle Ransacker comes into play, each player draws two cards, then discards a card at random.
2/1
Noggles live purely by what they can scavenge. There is not a single thing a noggle eats, wears, or uses that did not once belong to another.

Noggo-woggo-Noggle!

Grade: C — Could be good if yer lucky. Could be bad too.

Nucklavee - 4 U/R U/R
Creature - Beast (U)
When Nucklavee comes into play, you may return target red sorcery card from your graveyard to your hand.
When Nucklavee comes into play, you may return target blue instant card from your graveyard to your hand.
4/4
It loathes all tastes but two: spells and flesh.

It's like them two one critters put together in one big critter! Anarchist and Scrivener, that's 'em, 'cept you gotsta have the right colors! This 'uns purdy big, too, good fer attackin' and stuff! Ah like 'em.

Grade: B — Good in the later game, get yer cards back and a big guy too!

Riverfall Mimic - 1 U/R
Creature - Shapeshifter (C)
Whenever you play a spell that's both blue and red, Riverfall Mimic becomes 3/3 and is unblockable until end of turn.
2/1
Mimics don't hide their natural form well, but their disguises work well enough on boggarts.

'Ey it's another 'un o' them dang-ole shifty fellas! Well he's about averge norm'ly, but soons you start playin' them spells he causes trouble! Jus' gotta be the right color spells, but with all dat color stuff in this here set you be doin' that anyways!

Grade: B — Gotta be playin' them cards!

Shrewd Hatchling - 3 U/R
Creature - Elemental (U)
Shrewd Hatchling comes into play with four -1/-1 counters on it.
U/R: Target creature can't block Shrewd Hatchling this turn.
Whenever you play a blue spell, remove a -1/-1 counter from Shrewd Hatchling.
Whenever you play a red spell, remove a -1/-1 counter from Shrewd Hatchling.
6/6

It's kinda like the last one, ain't it? Play yer spells, make it bigger! Only this 'un stays bigger! Starts out real bad, but after four Red er Blue spells he's huger than a stuffed turkey on Thanksgivin', I tell you what! Boy, I like me some turkey. Can't wait fer Thanksgivin' again! Jus' hope mah uncle TOOT don't go an' pass out in the pumpkin pie again. That sure was funny! But din't taste s'good after.

Grade: B — Jus' 'member to play yer spells! Probly do that anyway, ah reckon, but might take 'em a while to get big enough.

Well that's a nasty litt'l bugger, innit? Not bad fer Red, s'much, but it ain't really good for anythin', like ma says 'bout pa all the time. Too bad fer pa, I like 'em a plenty.

Grade: C

Unnerving Assault - 2 U/R
Instant (U)
Creatures your opponents control get -1/-0 until end of turn if U was spent to play Unnerving Assault, and creatures you control get +1/+0 until end of turn if R was spent to play it. (Do both if UR was spent.)
The scales of battle rarely balance.

Last one of the Blue an' Red hybrids! An' it's a good spell fer when you go an' attack somebody, sure! Or if yer blockin'! S'longs you use both colors, it's almos' like givin' all yer critters +1/+1, or it's good fer stoppin' some damage if you can't block too! Sure can do a lotta things with this one, yeaup.

Grade: B

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"Whew-y. After all that I'm 'bout to—"

"MAL!"

"Who dat? Mally ain't here, jus' me, POOT!"

"It's Ryu. Mal, stop acting like a retard. Er, more of one."

"Hey, that ain't nice!"

Ryu smacks Mal.

"Owww, neither was that!"

Ryu smacks Mal again and again until Mal snaps and punches Ryu in the face, knocking him on the ground.

"Damnit, Ryu! The hell are you doing?!"

"You're back! About time."

"...What?"

"Nothing. Streetz says your article's due today! I came here to knock some sense into you."

"Son of a...."

"You should be thanking me, really."

"Why?"

Ryu kicks Mal from the ground and knocks him down too.

"For not kicking you in the nuts."

"Why you little..."

"Well, gotta go! Get that article done, kay?"

Ryu runs off.

"That's it, I'm replacing all his sugar with lead acetate. Better yet, I'll poison some cake with it and give it to him. Hehehahaheh. Yes, right after I'm done with this article...."

Let's make this short and sweet... like cake... hehe. I've got people to poison and more people to frame and no time to waste!

Canker Abomination - 2 B/G B/G
Creature - Treefolk Horror (U)
When Canker Abomination comes into play, choose an opponent. Canker Abomination comes into play with a -1/-1 counter it on for each creature that player controls.
6/6
Once the hideous disease takes hold, it spreads through both bark and mind.

Damnation followed by this. Otherwise... don't bother.

Grade: C — By turn four, your opponent could easily have three creatures out, making this an expensive Hill Giant. Later in the game, it just dies.

Cankerous Thirst - 3 B/G
Instant (U)
If B was spent to play Cankerous Thirst, you may have target creature get -3/-3 until end of turn. If G was spent to play Cankerous Thirst, you may have target creature get +3/+3 until end of turn. (Do both if BG was spent.)
Nothing warms the bark on a chilly day like a draught of elf.

Bigger Consume Strength. Seeing how Last Gasp costs 1G and Giant Growth costs G... bah. Limited goodness, not much else.

Grade: B

Creakwood Liege - 1 B/G B/G B/G
Creature - Horror (R)
Other black creatures you control get +1/+1.
Other green creatures you control get +1/+1.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may put a 1/1 black and green Worm creature token into play.
2/2

Free 3/3 tokens every turn? Hells yes.

Grade: A

Deity of Scars - B/G B/G B/G B/G B/G
Creature - Spirit Avatar (R)
Trample
Deity of Scars comes into play with two -1/-1 counters on it.
B/G, Remove a -1/-1 counter from Deity of Scars: Regenerate Deity of Scars.
7/7
"His skin cuts swords." — The Seer's Parables

I BIG. I EAT NOGGLE FOR BREAKFAST. RAWR.

Grade: A — It's efficient in the right deck (a deck that can play it), if uninteresting.

Desecrator Hag - 2 B/G B/G
Creature - Hag (C)
When Desecrator Hag comes into play, return to your hand the creature card in your graveyard with the highest power. If two or more cards are tied for highest power, you chose one of them.
Loose earth is not a burial but an appetizer.
2/2

Gravedigger without the choice... and costs more. Well, now Green has an over-cost Gravedigger. Yay.

Grade: B — Gravedigger isn't bad.

Doomgape - 4 B/G B/G B/G
Creature - Elemental (R)
Trample
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice a creature. You gain life equal to that creature's toughness.
10/10
It eats and eats until the juiciest morsel it can find is itself.

TIMMAH!

Grade: A — Awesome flavored, hyper efficient goodness. Just add Creakwood Liege.

Drain the Well - 2 B/G B/G
Sorcery (C)
Destroy target land. You gain 2 life.
Trows have learned that it's not wise to eat cinders without a bucket or two of water nearby.

Poison the Well's buddy... which was a bad Despoil to begin with, and I dare say this is even worse. Oh well. Crappy LD FTL.

Grade: D

Gift of the Deity - 4 B/G
Enchantment - Aura (C)
Enchant Creature
As long as enchanted creature is black, it gets +1/+1 and has deathtouch.
As long as enchanted creature is green , it gets +1/+1 and all creatures able to block it do so.

Plague Wind for five, yay!

Grade: B — Some untapping required.

Hag Hedge-Mage - 2 B/G
Creature - Hag Shaman (U)
When Hag Hedge-Mage comes into play, if you control two or more swamps, you may have target player discard a card.
When Hag Hedge-Mage comes into play, if you control two or more forests, you may put target card in your graveyard on top of your library.
2/2

Pretty versatile. With the second ability alone it's like a slightly weakened Eternal Witness, and Eternal Witness is amazing. Horray for Hags?

Grade: B

Noxious Hatchling - 3 B/G
Creature - Elemental (U)
Noxious Hatchling comes into play with four -1/-1 counters on it.
Wither
Whenever you play a black spell, remove a -1/-1 counter from Noxious Hatchling.
Whenever you play a green spell, remove a -1/-1 counter from Noxious Hatchling.
6/6

Eh. Vulnerable early on, huge beatstick later... could be worth it. A Green and Black multicolored spell will remove two counters at once. I see fun with persist in its future....

Grade: B

Odious Trow - B/G
Creature - Troll (C)
1 B/G: Regenerate Odious Trow.
1/1
Trows are the vile trolls that lurk in the bogs of Shadowmoor. They reappear each night to frighten the living and gnaw the dead.

FAIL.

Grade: F — Worse than Drudge Skeletons. Nobody plays Drudge Skeletons.

Quillspike - 2 B/G
Creature - Beast (U)
B/G, Remove a -1/-1 counter from a creature you control: Quillspike gets +3/+3 until end of turn.
1/1
While it's true that a quillspike does heal the sick, it's just because it finds them tastier that way.

FINALLY! Where have you been all my life? So... many... combos.... Speechless....

Grade: A

Rendclaw Trow - 2 B/G
Creature - Troll (C)
Wither
Persist
2/2

Whoop-de-doo.

Grade: B

Sapling of Colfenor - 3 B/G B/G
Legendary Creature - Treefolk Shaman (R)
Sapling of Colfenor is indestructible.
Whenever Sapling of Colfenor attacks, reveal the top card of your library. If it is a creature card, you gain life equal to that card's toughness, lose life equal to its power, then put it into your hand.
2/5
Her plans may yet bear fruit.

This is not at all what I imagined the Sapling to be. Well, at worst, it's a blocker. A little better, and you might get to draw a card with it every turn, and gain a little life. At best, it may even do a little damage to something. Not too shabby, but for five mana? I don't know about that.

Grade: B — WALL DECK!

Stalker Hag - B/G B/G B/G
Creature - Hag (U)
Swampwalk, forestwalk
3/2
Her hunt is silent until a bone snaps or flesh tears. Her victims never know to scream.

Boooooo. *throws turnips*

Grade: C — You may be surprised to know that this was actually printed with the wrong flavor text. It should be, "Give me Urborg, or give me death!" At least, that'd be more fitting. Otherwise her hunt will amount to some Kithkin taking her down. Stupid Kithkin.

Woodlurker Mimic - 1 B/G
Creature - Shapeshifter (C)
Whenever you play a spell that's both black and green, Woodlurker Mimic becomes 4/5 and gains wither until end of turn.
2/1
A mimic's disguise fools its victims just long enough to draw them within range of its venomous tentacles.

Yes. YES!

Grade: B — Sadly, its voracious need for spells brings it down a grade, but even so, a 4/5 with wither is nothing to scoff at.

Worm Harvest - 2 B/G B/G B/G
Sorcery (R)
Put a 1/1 black and green Worm creature token into play for each land card in your graveyard.
Retrace (You may play this card from your graveyard by discarding a land card in addition to paying its other costs.)

Dag nabit. Now I'm going to have to build yet another Crucible of Worlds deck. Add some Karoos, a Liege or 15, spice with Countryside Crusher, and voila! The perfect beating for any occasion.

And since I simply cannot go without saying it: This card is AWESOME, in many many ways. It makes me feel... strange. Is it... happiness?

O.O

Grade: A — This card's worst enemy? Mudhole.

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That about wraps it up. Join me next time when we discover that POOT is really an Oompa Loompa!

Dun dun dunnnnn....

Oh, I just ruined it, didn't I? Damn. Well join me anyway. Some cool stuff will happen. Maybe something funny, too. Who knows? You'll just have to read and see! Bwahahaha!

'Till then, have a nice life. Unlike Ryu....